sorry, i don't think i can do this.
it took me a long time, a very long time to get myself to agree to blog. to put my thoughts out there...and i wondered why people do it, leaving aside the marketing agendas, i wasn't sure why any sensible person would want to put there inner most thoughts out there just like that.
unlike a book where one can construct the entire emotion, here, in bits and pieces how does one allow it all to fly out into the world, with people, unknown and even worse sometimes known (dont know which one is worse) to take what they want and walk away, without your knowledge or even letting you know.
see? what i mean, all these thoughts about some people, who i don't know, my apprehensions about them knowing me...what does all this mean about me? what am i so possessive about?
what do i know that i feel told randomly will hurt me for its misrepresentation?
what is it that means so much to me?
what am i thinking that is so precious? that has such power?
the beginning of the year with a wide grin and full of laughter and just about enough thought as i think i needs to write, i wrote my first ever blog.
and claimed, there i have done it!
i have freed myself. nothing holds such power over me, i am going to put it all out there. in an attempt to free myself. completely.
i even posted the link on my profile page on facebook where i don't go anymore.
but such was my belief that i had conquered it all and i am fearless to let my guards down.
strange, these things sound to me, even when i write them. me ? guards, fearless? really bizarre.
because, i have lived my life as fearlessly as one can.
and me, guards? how can that be. the joke is that it takes someone two minutes to meet me to know all about my glorious divorce, great husband, sex life, the works...
so then why am i writing about apprehensions?
what is this all about? who am i ? who is writing all this?
two days after, some blog behavior information urged me to return and write another one.
i cant. i don't want to. i didn't.
and of what i remember, the things i said about abandoning the 'to do' list, it isn't even my voice, they are not even my thoughts.
i am gripped by this acute awareness of just how much do i need to de-layer to to get to me.
where am i? in all this.
perhaps, i am in all this.
m
it took me a long time, a very long time to get myself to agree to blog. to put my thoughts out there...and i wondered why people do it, leaving aside the marketing agendas, i wasn't sure why any sensible person would want to put there inner most thoughts out there just like that.
unlike a book where one can construct the entire emotion, here, in bits and pieces how does one allow it all to fly out into the world, with people, unknown and even worse sometimes known (dont know which one is worse) to take what they want and walk away, without your knowledge or even letting you know.
see? what i mean, all these thoughts about some people, who i don't know, my apprehensions about them knowing me...what does all this mean about me? what am i so possessive about?
what do i know that i feel told randomly will hurt me for its misrepresentation?
what is it that means so much to me?
what am i thinking that is so precious? that has such power?
the beginning of the year with a wide grin and full of laughter and just about enough thought as i think i needs to write, i wrote my first ever blog.
and claimed, there i have done it!
i have freed myself. nothing holds such power over me, i am going to put it all out there. in an attempt to free myself. completely.
i even posted the link on my profile page on facebook where i don't go anymore.
but such was my belief that i had conquered it all and i am fearless to let my guards down.
strange, these things sound to me, even when i write them. me ? guards, fearless? really bizarre.
because, i have lived my life as fearlessly as one can.
and me, guards? how can that be. the joke is that it takes someone two minutes to meet me to know all about my glorious divorce, great husband, sex life, the works...
so then why am i writing about apprehensions?
what is this all about? who am i ? who is writing all this?
two days after, some blog behavior information urged me to return and write another one.
i cant. i don't want to. i didn't.
and of what i remember, the things i said about abandoning the 'to do' list, it isn't even my voice, they are not even my thoughts.
i am gripped by this acute awareness of just how much do i need to de-layer to to get to me.
where am i? in all this.
perhaps, i am in all this.
m
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