yes and a no

Yes I wrote I would not return, yes I have inhibitions about baring my thoughts to people I know more than the people I don't.

Yes, a couple of people called in to tell me they stumbled on my blog and how much they loved it. And I thought maybe I should write more, so they may perhaps enjoy what I write.

But then, I can always write letters to them, personalise my thoughts for them specifically and write letters, there is nothing more beautiful than that, and whose gradual disappearance pains me more than anything, as we abandon the writing pads, pens and desks and dexterously type away on ipads and laptops.

Then, I wonder...my blogs can be for me my way to release myself, without thinking who is going to read it, am I in any way sharing something that might impact another I know who can come in here and read it and most importantly, can I just have one place in this world, which is my own quiet corner. Where no one can reach me easily.

That beautiful anonymity, encourages me to perhaps blog, somewhere else, for no one in particular. Where I cannot even if I want to, make it a good read or a useful read for anyone I know.

Then perhaps I will have a place for me.

no more

sorry, i don't think i can do this.
it took me a long time, a very long time to get myself to agree to blog. to put my thoughts out there...and i wondered why people do it, leaving aside the marketing agendas, i wasn't sure why any sensible person would want to put there inner most thoughts out there just like that.
unlike a book where one can construct the entire emotion, here, in bits and pieces how does one allow it all to fly out into the world, with people, unknown and even worse sometimes known (dont know which one is worse) to take what they want and walk away, without your knowledge or even letting you know.
see? what i mean, all these thoughts about some people, who i don't know, my apprehensions about them knowing me...what does all this mean about me? what am i so possessive about?
what do i know that i feel told randomly will hurt me for its misrepresentation?
what is it that means so much to me?
what am i thinking that is so precious? that has such power?
the beginning of the year with a wide grin and full of laughter and just about enough thought as i think i needs to write, i wrote my first ever blog.
and claimed, there i have done it!
i have freed myself. nothing holds such power over me, i am going to put it all out there. in an attempt to free myself. completely.
i even posted the link on my profile page on facebook where i don't go anymore.
but such was my belief that i had conquered it all and i am fearless to let my guards down.

strange, these things sound to me, even when i write them. me ? guards, fearless? really bizarre.
because, i have lived my life as fearlessly as one can.
and me, guards? how can that be. the joke is that it takes someone two minutes to meet me to know all about my glorious divorce, great husband, sex life, the works...
so then why am i writing about apprehensions?
what is this all about? who am i ? who is writing all this?

two days after, some blog behavior information urged me to return and write another one.
i cant. i don't want to. i didn't.
and of what i remember, the things i said about abandoning the 'to do' list, it isn't even my voice, they are not even my thoughts.
i am gripped by this acute awareness of just how much do i need to de-layer to to get to me.

where am i? in all this.
perhaps, i am in all this.

m

courage to live

This year. I wish to renew my courage to live.

It sounds extraordinary if one has an identified terminal illness or so ordinary if one has a normal life with a reasonably healthy body.

Yet, the courage to live, truly live our lives remains elusive. To feel the breeze in our hair, to smile at a stranger, to tell anger that it has no place in my life, to let the to-do list slowly fly away to a table far away and rest there for a while so I can soak in the sun or smell the rain.

We tend to forget the immortality of each year, the inevitable end of it and the beginning of new is as real as terminal illness ( one that terminates us) as we know ourselves right then. In that sense, no end is final - there are no ends. Each moment is a chance at a new beginning, as our minds wait eagerly to take new instructions and the body waits to follow suit.

To become anything I would like me to be. This very moment.

In that sense a year gone by can terminate us of all the things we no longer care for and of all the things we wish we could be. And we can start afresh as the person we feel we deserve to be.

These are things I wish to Renew,

Courage to let bygones be bygones
Courage to let me extend myself without having to govern each move (I will escape the to-do list)
Courage to be hear my thoughts
Courage to trust that good happens to good
Courage to love without looking at the scoreboard
Courage to give without feeling wronged
Courage to not evaluate the value of every moment in terms of focused contribution to the various roles I have trapped myself in, mother, wife, boss, friend, neighbor, citizen...
Courage to let the people I love make their mistakes
Courage to forgive myself for a day spent lazing, for an expensive buy, for less time given to anything or anybody
Courage to love my self
Courage to let me be
Courage to simply L I V E.

I named my son vir (meaning brave), he is four now. I hope to one day explain to him that, all he needs to remember is to brave. Brave enough to have a point of view, brave enough to own it, brave enough to walk his path. And that all else will fall into place.

Today, as the revelry of unknown expectations of a new years' eve settles down and a new, absolutely new set of numbers and names we attach great value to as months and dates be our bridge to walk across to a whole new world of a million possibilities that do not label or put in us neat boxes; but ones that let us fly.

So we may know that we exist today, right now in all glory, in all we were and can be. That these dates are merely so, dates, made as a point of reference. That we in our potential exceed them. To this boundless sky may we fly.

May the divine within each one of us make itself known.