Qwitter

Here I sit, just 17 min before of 19th July, pleading with myself to quit.

I have done it before. So many times before and for such long periods. So I can do it.

Once I heard me tell someone I know I can quit easily, which is why I am taking my time with it..for instance if you asked me to cook a meal I would get to it right away as I have no clue where to begin, but if you told me to craft me a letter I would say... in a bit, because I know I can do it in a jiffy. And she kept quiet. For she has told me many times before that the damage is unfathomable.

I don't know why I do it anymore.

And it is it even a subconscious effort. I am very conscious of every move.

The feeble urge that can be overcome

The mind doing a quick check 'do you need it?'

The heart smiling 'oh come on big deal'

The head says again 'it's your third today and it is still early in the day'

By this time the fingers have elegantly reached for the pack

And with every authority that only a responsible adult can exhibit the lighter is held close to the face and snap!

The first drag is rarely as much fun as it used to be, like in the adv or in the movies as the protagonist draws a nice long drag he inhales all powers of solitude.

Now it is either a complete unawareness of the nicotine as there is enough in the blood anyway or it is a distaste followed by an instant heaviness in the chest...

Diligent morning yoga can do this.

My yoga sir says it is senseless to clean lungs at 6 am and then inhale toxins. How many cig can you smoke is like asking how much poison can I have?

Really?

ya of course! Shit. I know this stuff but it is so hard do believe

I read up a lot online, avoided the pictures, they are scary. The notes were so alarming that a part of me refuses to believe that they are talking about a cig that can be bought without even stepping out of my car, leave alone show proof of age,

Oh the worst of that was when I was in Singapore. My son doesn't know I smoke...anyway, so here I was out for a walk by myself and wanted to buy a pack right then. Found enough money in my pocket and asked for one. I could barely get myself to tell him which brand I wanted for all I could see behind him were masses of the most vulgar photos smeared all over the packs. So I look down and ask for a davidoff. Age proof pease he says. I hadn't carried my wallet.
What I did next was ironic, it made me smile really weird as I pulled out my phone and showed him a picture of my three year old son and me. He gave me the pack.

You see I am old enough to be a mum; committing to bring another life up healthily and happily and therefore I deserve to get a smoke. It just seemed odd, almost wrong at that time.

But in that moment it was much easier to laugh about it and light my cig like old times when I lived in Singapore. For that moment i was 26 again.

It's late now. I must sleep. I don't want to. I never want to smoke.

I want to. I must, I am.